The Reflexive Apology: Where It Comes From

For many of us, saying sorry is second nature. It’s cemented into how we interact, especially if we’ve been raised in environments that valued politeness, perfectionism, or emotional restraint. Some of us have learned to apologise before figuring out what we feel. In therapy, this habit can follow us right into the room.

Apologising can stem from:

• Fear of being a burden: Saying sorry for “talking too much” or “dumping your problems” often reveals a deeper fear — that our presence, emotions, or needs are too much.

• Discomfort with vulnerability: Crying, getting angry, or even just sitting in silence can feel exposing. We use apologies like a safety blanket, trying to smooth over the messiness.

• Conditioned self-minimizing: Many of us, especially women and marginalized folks, have been conditioned to shrink ourselves, to take up less space — emotionally, physically, verbally.

What Apologies Reveal About Our Inner World

When someone says “sorry” in therapy, therapists often don’t hear just the word. They hear a narrative. It might be:
“I don’t think my pain is valid.”
“I’m afraid you’ll think less of me.”
“I’ve been taught that other people’s comfort is more important than my truth.”
In those moments, the apology says less about what we’ve done wrong (usually nothing!) and more about what we believe about ourselves.

Therapy Is a Space Where You Don’t Have to Apologize

One of the quiet revolutions of therapy is this: it's one of the few places where you don’t have to say sorry for being real. Crying is allowed. Silence is sacred. Rage is welcome. You are not too much — you are just enough. But letting go of the apology reflex doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time to unlearn. It takes a safe space to explore the why behind every “sorry.” And sometimes, the most powerful work in therapy is sitting in the discomfort of not apologizing — and realizing the sky doesn’t fall.

From “Sorry” to “Thank You”

One gentle reframe? Try swapping “sorry” with “thank you.”
Instead of “Sorry I’m crying,” try “Thank you for being here with me while I cry.”
Instead of “Sorry I’m talking so much,” try “Thank you for listening.” This shift isn’t just about language. It’s about honoring your presence, your process, and your right to be seen unapologetically.

In the End, It’s Not About Never Saying Sorry

Let’s be clear — apologies have their place. But therapy teaches us to notice our patterns. If you’re saying sorry for things that don’t need apologising, that’s worth paying attention to. It’s not about policing your words; it’s about getting curious.  So, the next time you feel the word “sorry” rising in your throat during therapy, pause. Ask yourself:
What am I really feeling right now?
Do I truly need to apologise — or do I need to give myself permission to just be?

Because healing starts with being seen, not with being sorry.