This morning, I woke up to a familiar sight—a little face gently staring back at me, his nose touching mine and his breath warm on my cheek. These are the special moments I share with my cat of nearly 11 years, Bailey—also known as Bobs, Billy, or sometimes Bobby. From the day I brought him home, he’s been like this, coming straight out of the cat carrier, swiftly moving up my chest, and pressing his face against mine.

I’m not ashamed to admit that we share a deep connection, a strong affection, and yes, there is love. These interactions between Bailey and me are frequent, though no one else sees them. We talk to each other, he makes me smile and laugh, and he curls up in my arms. He’s always by my side through the night, and the first to greet me when I wake.

For 11 years now, I’ve received unconditional love from this little cat, who was rescued from the streets of Yuen Long in Hong Kong. He’s a powerhouse of love, and there will never be another Bailey.

Will I miss him one day? Yes. Will I grieve for him? Absolutely. Will that grief last for some time? Most likely, because I’m deeply aware of the love I have for him now. My grief will be a reflection of our bond, and I will probably always miss him. My active grief may stay with me for quite some time. How long? I couldn’t say—grief is a personal journey, unique to each of us, and I will process it in my own way.

Please don’t say, “You can get another cat,” because Bailey is irreplaceable. He’s one-of-a-kind, and our relationship will never be replicated. I will need to acknowledge the loss, grieve for him, and move through my sorrow and acceptance in my own time. I don’t know how long that will take—it will take as long as it needs to. Simply replacing him won’t alleviate the despair and heartache of losing him. I have other cats, each with their own unique connection to me, and I know that when I lose them, my grief will strike differently. But one thing I do know is that I will grieve for them all, in their own special way. They are each unique and irreplaceable to me.

Grief is different for everyone, and it’s important to understand that. How we grieve for one animal will differ from how we grieve for the next. Our life experiences, beliefs, culture, and background all shape what our grief will be like. We all handle it differently, and for many, it takes longer than we might expect.

Here's another thing:

Sometimes you can cry more for your animal than you did when you lost a significant person in your life

Many people experience this, yet often keep it to themselves, fearing others won't understand or that it might be seen as wrong. Each grief response is unique, shaped by various factors and circumstances surrounding the loss. You can never predict how you'll process it. Grief stems from love, and that love can certainly come from your animal.

My research found the following:

"Hunt and Padilla (2006) explains that if an animal holds an integral place in the life of a person, when lost, this can lead to emotional and psychological grief responses that can be difficult to process. Neimeyer et al., (2021) discussed that the loss of an animal can be for some be compared to the loss of a significant human relationship. The intensity and strength of feeling associated with the loss of an animal has been compared to that of human loss (Archer, 1997; Clements et al., 2003; Park & Royal, 2020; Kogan et al., 2022; Field et al., 2009).  Owners can experience significant grief over the loss with similarities to that of human grief (Field et al., 2009). The greater the intensity of the relationship between human and animal the greater the grief will be (Morales,1997; Eckerd et al., 2016)". Taken from Bell, HS, Dissertation, 2023

I feel there is an unwritten rule that I can't grieve as openly or for as long as I need to?

As a society we are getting better at sharing the pain and loss we feel when we lose our animal. We are also getting better at offering sympathy and a shared understanding of how painful it can be. However, pet loss continues to not be given the same acknowledgement in the same way as human loss (Cowling et al., 2020). Pet loss is a disenfranchised grief, it is often silent and not given the full approval from society, to be kept private and not shared (Cross, 2018).

Through my research I found:

When the relationship between owner and their animal is not recognized, along with the lack of societal traditions, this can prevent a person feeling able to openly grieve for as long as they may need (Pilgram, 2010).  Should society fail to acknowledge the loss of our pets in the same way as human loss may find owners unable to freely share their grief experiencing a form of shame in admitting the feelings of intense grief (Morales,1997; Spain et al., 2019). This lack of recognition can result with a person burying their grief and grappling to process the loss to reach an acceptance of what has happened impacting on post traumatic growth (Cordora, 2012). Taken from Bell, HS, Dissertation, 2023

Is there grief counselling for the loss of a pet?

References:

• Archer, J. (1997). Why do people love their pets? Ethology and Sociobiology, 18(4), 237–259.
• Bell, H S. (2023). To consider the importance of allowing space within counselling for the processing of grief when losing a companion animal. Dissertation, Masters, University of Chester
• Clements, P. T., Benasutti, K. M., & Carmone, A. (2003). Support for Bereaved Owners of Pets. Perspectives in Psychiatric Care, 39(2), 49–54.
• Cordaro, M. (2012). Pet loss and disenfranchised grief: Implications for mental health counseling practice. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 34(4), 283-294
• Eckerd, L. M., Barnett, J. E., & Jett-Dias, L. (2016). Grief following pet and human loss: Closeness is key. Death Studies, 40(5), 275–282.
• Field, N. P., Orsini, L., Gavish, R., & Packman, W. (2009). Role of attachment in response to pet loss. Death Studies, 33, 332–355.
• Hunt, M., & Padilla, Y. (2006). Development of the Pet Bereavement Questionnaire. Anthrozoös, 19(4), 308–324
• Kogan, L. R., Packman, W., Bussolari, C., Currin-McCulloch, J., & Erdman, P. (2022). Pet death and owners’ memorialization choices. Illness, Crisis, and Loss, 105413732211430.
• Morales, P. C. (1997). Grieving in silence: The loss of companion animals in modern society. Journal of Personal and Interpersonal Loss, 2(3), 243-254.
• Neimeyer, R. A., Harris, D., Winokuer, H. R., & Thornton, G. (2021). Grief and bereavement in contemporary society: Bridging research and practice (1st. ed.). Routledge.
• Spain, B., O'Dwyer, L., & Moston, S. (2019). Pet loss: Understanding disenfranchised grief, memorial use, and posttraumatic growth. Anthrozoös, 32(4), 555-568.
• Park, R., & Royal, K. (2020). A national survey of companion animal owners’ self-reported methods of coping following euthanasia. Veterinary Sciences, 7(3), 89.
• Pilgram, M. D. (2010). Communicating Social Support to Grieving Clients: The Veterinarians' View. Death Studies, 34(8), 699–714.